You Have Compassion On Your Children

Today I deviated again in my devotionals. I chuckle because when I started this blog I did not intend or imagine for it to end up being a place where I would talk about God, or any thing about my own personal devotion times, but here we are.

This month,  She Reads Truth is doing a plan entitled "Hymns of Gratitude", correlating to American Thanksgiving being a very prominent thing that we are preparing for.

"You Have Compassion On Your Children"

Today's post was on Psalm 103, and instead of having a little study written out to go along, all they asked was to mediate and journal on this psalm.

It's only two in the afternoon right now, but already this psalm was soothing to everything that had happened in my life today. 

As I have mentioned in past posts I have had quite a bit of trouble with my car these past couple months. I had finally gotten it home and the next morning it would not start. Being new to a town, and a very small one at that, was making it hard to find a local mechanic that could take a look and hopefully put to rest all that has been going on. After some research we finally found a little one man show down the road a bit, and they were willing to take a look at my baby if we could get a tow. 

This morning I called my insurance to let them know what was up, only to be discouraged by the end of my call. Because my car had made the ride home and had been fine the claim was closed.  In order for them to cover anything further, the shop had to prove that whatever is causing this conundrum was due to the previous flooding, or else faulty work or parts from the shop that had it before. 

Now, I can understand from the insurance and legal standpoint that they would require this so as to avoid fraud. But it was hard to hear from my standpoint. I lost the use of my car the first week of October. Thanksgiving is this week...it has been exactly 50 days since then. 

50 Days. That's two months of car payments, and insurance payments, plus all the deductibles from the work that has gone into it this far, and still....nothing. 

We spoke for about 20 minutes as I explained what had happened, and he explained that there wasn't really anything they could do unless the issue was proven to be directly involved with my claim. 

By now I feel like this is never going to end. I'd be better off without a car at all! 

I hung up and just started to cry, my cats gathered at my feet looking curiously at the crazy lady making weird noises. Sobs on sobs on sobs. And finally, "God, why? I don't get it, why? There's nothing I can do. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do or where to go and I feel like giving up, I just can't do it anymore. Help me, because there's nothing I can do." 

My eyes are sill stinging from those tears.

I finished my cry, and my ranting and decided I hadn't had enough frustration yet. I grabbed my keys and went down to my car to listen to the pitiful sound of the engine trying to turn and catch. 

I opened the front door and peaked around, seeing if there was anyone out to witness my wet, puffy, red eyes. Coast was clear, thank goodness. So out I crept, in my sweat pants and bare feet. 

I put the key in the ignition, suppressing more rogue tears. 

I turned the key....

My jaw dropped.

The car was on. It was running. Purring even, despite the sticky sound of salt from the past few days of rain.  I couldn't believe it. How? I took it out and drove a little loop around the neighborhood, listening for any funky noises. It sounded fine, but I was scared to turn it off. Just as I pulled back into my driveway I received a call back from the local mechanic. I let him know everything, from the call to insurance, to the car turning on, and not wanting to turn it off(I may have left out the crying part). He told me that if it was possible, drive it down to the shop now and save ourselves a tow. And that's what I did. 

One of the coastie wives a couple doors down was gracious enough to follow me and give me a ride back  home, giving me the chance to get to know her a bit. 

Like a lot of psalms, Psalm 103 starts out with "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!" It continues, proclaiming the steadfast love and faithfulness of the Lord over those who call him Abba. 

"The Lord works righteousness

and justice for all who are oppressed."

V.6

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love toward

those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far does he remove our

transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,

so the Lord shows compassion to

those who fear him.

For he knows our frame;

He remembers that we are dust."

V. 11-14

I know that this may not seem like a big deal compared to things that other people are going through, but to me it was huge.  I've struggled being in a new home, a quiet home. My family, whom I adore most adamantly, 620 miles away. My friends say things like "Oh we should come visit!" but I know only a tiny handful of them actually would make such a trip.  I've felt alone. I've felt stuck. I've felt small, and useless. 

Breaking down in my kitchen, sobbing and crying to God or anyone who would listen to my troubles and sadness, I felt like a child. I mean, that's what adults really are, right? Large children who still aren't completely sure what we're doing, we just keep going and pretend like it'll be ok until it is. 

I sat with wet cheeks, waiting for the peace that I had been asking for for so long to come and fill me, but all I felt was that sting and ache that come from emptying your body of it's water supply via your eyes.
 Quite frankly, I needed to be alone. I hate crying in front of people; I will apologize even if I'm mad at you.
I decided to be a gluten for punishment and grabbed my keys. Wiping my eyes I made my way to where my car was parked. The door open, I sat in its driver's seat and breathed a deep, shaky breath as I turned the key and then sat there flabbergasted and speechless as instead of a noisy attempt to come to life, the engine turned over and caught immediately. 

My optimist husband tells me that is is most excellent. It wouldn't turn back on if it wasn't just a small thing that was wrong. "It's totally fixable! It runs!" 

It's two days before Thanksgiving, and there is much rejoicing.